Today is the day where my FaceBook and Twitter fill up with “Happy Mother’s Day” statuses.
I have had a long journey with this day. From looking at the Hallmark cards and not knowing which one to buy you, because none of them really said what I needed them to, to not looking at the cards at all, because we hadn’t spoken in years anyways. From phoning you and leaving a message on the machine, to not calling at all because no-one would ever pick up. To crying every year because of the void left by not being a part of the vast majority “normal” societal group that is able to celebrate with a mother who is technically, still alive, to feeling a little less sad every year – and most importantly, being OK with being a little sad.
There were many years and many days I have spent angry at you for not being there for me when I needed you to be – the way a 15 year old needs their mom. There were many times where I would just wish I could pick up the phone and tell you what was going on, without worrying about the consequences associated with letting you back in my life like all the times before.
This year, I feel different. After years of healing and processing.
This year, of course, I still feel sad – but acknowledge your part in my life and want to say Thank You and that I acknowledge the things I could not before.
I know you did your best. I know deep, deep inside, that you did and do love me – you just couldn’t/can’t show me, because no-one taught you how to. I know that you struggle/d with your health and that sometimes, the person you may want to be, is not the person that is shown to the outside world. I know that the many times I spent crying and being hurt by you not being in my life, also maybe hurt you and made you cry – because in your mind, you did/ do not understand.
I wanted to let you know, that I Thank You, as my Bio-Mom for bringing me into this world. It is because of that, that I am who I am today.
And I also Thank You for the good memories I have of us – even though there may not be as many as I wish there was.
This does not mean I will not continue to protect myself from you – I need to protect the life I have built for myself since I was 15 and unfortunately, that means that at this time, you cannot be a part of it.
But, what this means, 10 years after foster care, is that I can say Thank You to you on Mother’s Day and acknowledge the things I could not before.
So Bio-Mom, Happy Mother’s Day – and Thank You for bringing me into this world.
I have seen and done many amazing things, and it was because you loved me enough to make me.
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